Culture Shock & Homesickness

You thought about becoming an au pair for a while. You finally decided to apply for the program- created your profile, gathered documents, submitted your application. You got accepted into the program and finally started interviewing with host families. Then it all happened quickly- you interviewed a few times with a family, you feel they are a great fit, you matched, applied for your visa, got approved and finally started your trip to the US! You arrived into your ‘new home’, got to know the family, the area, the routines. Everything is new, exciting and a just a big adventure.

After some days or maybe even weeks though, you might start to feel a bit different. You might start to feel sad, overwhelmed, frustrated or maybe even depressed. But what happened? Where did all the excitement and adventure suddenly go? You wanted this and prepared for this so long and now it all seems wrong?

First of all: this is normal and (almost) all au pairs experience this so don’t be alarmed or feel like something is wrong with you. What you are going through is culture shock and homesickness and the more you are aware (and prepared) of the different stages and know what you can do work through it, the easier it will get and the quicker you will be able to enjoy your time in the US again.

What is Culture Shock?

It is a “feeling of disorientation experienced by someone who is suddenly subjected to an unfamiliar culture, way of life, or set of attitudes” (definition as per Oxford dictionary). Sounds logical but it is actually more complex that it sounds!

What does culture shock look like?

Many au pairs will likely feel tired all the time, even after they got enough sleep and rest. They may feel just mentally exhausted, get anxiety over small issues, experience mood swings or just reject the new lifestyle and experience completely. They loose interest in getting to know new places, to improve their English or to get a better/closer relationship to their host family. They may call their parents and friends ‘back home’ a lot, hide in their room, see their ‘new life’ and ‘new family’ mostly negative and feel negative about almost everything. This can result in them missing ‘home’ so much, that they just want to give up, end the program and go back home. BUT were you not so excited to do this program? Did you not look forward to this experiences and had plans and goals? Didn’t you interview the family and really liked them and were excited to spend the next 12m with them? Yes you were! So instead of letting culture shock get the best of you, try and work through it and try and remember why you signed up for the program- new experiences, new lifestyles, new culture, improving your English, making friends, finding a ‘new family’ in another country and so on.

How long does it take to overcome culture shock?

This can be different from au pair to au pair. While some overcome this quickly, others might struggle with it for weeks or months.

Generally, Cultural shock has 4 phases:

Honeymoon- right upon arrival and during the first weeks in the US where you are excited, positive and enthusiastic
Rejection- after a few weeks, when your routines start to set in, you might become more critical and look at differences more closely. You might find yourself thinking more and more ‘we do this differently at home’ or ‘at home everything is better and easier. You may find it difficult to find friends or realize that speaking English is more exhausting than you thought and that improving your skills takes longer than expected.
- Often times in this phase you will also experience homesickness. You may miss your home country, friends, family and your ‘old routines’ more and more. You may feel tired, anxious, sad and indifferent all the time.
Adjustment- this is when things slowly get better (yay!). You are starting to adjust to your ‘new life’. You can still see all the differences but they are no longer all negative. You start to appreciate things, get used to your routines, make friends and start to ‘fit in’.
Adaptation- you made it through the ‘hard’ part and start to feel happy again and can enjoy your time as au pair. You found friends, you realize how much your English already improved, you have started to get to know your host family better and maybe even travelled already. You start to feel ‘home’, see things prositive again and can embrace differences.

Tips for Overcoming Culture Shock

Okay so know you know what culture shock and homesickness looks like, but what can you do to advoid it and to overcome it? Here are a few tips:

Right from the start write a diary with all the positive and exciting things you experienced when you started your program. Include pictures and fun stories. When things get hard look back at it and remember the ‘good times’ you already had and will have again.
Don’t hide in your room- meet other au pairs, connect with your local coordinator and spend time with your host family. Try to be active and get out of the house- take a walk, go to the movies, grab coffee or go to the gym. Try to build routines and meet new people. Find new hobbies or start picking up hobbies again that you liked to do ‘at home’. Keep busy!
Talk about your feelings! Don’t keep it all in. Talk to your host family, your local coordinator or other au pairs. Share how you feel. Don’t be afraid to cry. The first weeks and months are hard but talking about it can help you to process the culture shock. Also, if you don’t share your feelings, people cannot help you get through it- so speak up.
Try not to judge. Things will be different from ‘home’ and maybe even different from what you expected. But that is part of what you came here for- to experience something new. Try to see the good things. How things are done or handled here might be different, but that does not mean it’s all bad. Try to find the positive things and embrace differences. Even if you still think something is ‘not as good as it is at home’, instead of focusing on this in a negative way and get worked up, accept it and be thankful you get to experience differences and see it as a chance to broaden your horizon.
Try not to spend too much time on social media or on the phone with family and friends at home. When we feel homesick, we tend to go back to familiar people- family and friends back home. However, that might make us miss them even more. Makes of jealous of the things they do, the food they eat or the familiar places they go. Connect with family and friends back home but try to find the balance between connecting with them and actively working on new routines, relationships and experiences in the US.
Remember your goals and dreams and be proud of yourself! You took a big step leaving everything behind and starting this adventure. Be proud of how brave you were to start this journey and look back at how far you have come. Remember all the time and effort you spent in signing up and finding the right family and remember why you did it. Set small goals and work towards them. Think of all the places you still want to go, the things you want to experience and try to be excited again for what is still to come.

In summary, culture shock and homesickness will be something you will experience at some point in your program. It will be hard but if you are prepared for it and actively work through it, you will be coming out of it as a stronger and more independent person who will be able to overcome challenges more easily and will be able to embrace differences.